so after a little melt down yesterday, i decided to try and have a more positive outlook on the situation. i know now that i have a friend up there. it's definitely much better where he is than here. thats for sure. and ill talk to him every once in a while. so he doens't get bored or lonely and so he knows he has people who love and miss him and still care about him down here. i dunno. i guess it makes things a bit easier for me. and i really dont know... no one really knows what happens, but i just want to put how im feeling out there so he knows. i was just reminiscing over old picture and it make it hard for me to accept. in fact, i still haven't accepted it yet. im just sad because i miss him, like i miss all the other people in my old crew. i dont remember if i wrote it, but i had a dream i saw all of them again, i was so happy! so i just miss them all alot and i can't really comprehend the fact i won't be able to see some of them again. even as i write this now, it makes me sad but im somewhat disconnected. i can't really imagine this. i was also looking up pictures from last summer and i miss some of those people too! i wish i had the chance to see them all... or at least talk to them. =[
at school i couldn't concentrate that much but i didn't tell anyone. the only people that know are is my crew, my mom, and 2 friends. i feel like no one would understand besides my crew so im just going to do what seems right.whether "talking" to him makes me crazy or not.
i dunno. it seemed like some of my friends were such assholes today. sqwabbling over petty things. im thinking, in the grand scheme of things does this really matter? most of them didn't seem to notice i was a little upset and they completely ignored it or made things more annoying. if you see im in a bad mood for whatever reason, dont be a total douche. be nice.
...maybe its just me...

yesterday, i found out one of my good friends i met in wisconsin passed away. Peter Kodama. It was very hard for me to take. Two people in our little crew probably felt the blow worse, but somehow it was really hard for me to handle. I can't even begin to describe how cool he was. He was so funny and really nice and a hard worker. He really brought a lot to my experience in wisconsin. I just started thinking of all these memories. Not just the ones all of us have prominent in our memory, like when the frog hopped in his mouth while he was sleeping or his various campfire songs like "i popped the ball" or "and when the fire licks our legs" and his brown overalls and those sandals he wore all the time... but the little nickname him and robbie had for me, Heyja. haha. when he convinced me his name was dimitri when we first met. whenever i see the name i think of that. or just the funny faces he would make. haha i remember him talking about his japanese heritage. we decided he should be ayumi... and his accents "take picha (picture)". i started remembering everything. like the couple in full black leather outfits we met the first day of backpacking. or the crasins. the kamakaze bugs that attacked me and dallas. overhearing the boys in the bathroom and getting the wrong picture. swinging on the swing until i got naseous. getting nervous walking from the bathroom at night. robbie helping me when i fell into the creek. dallas "saving" me from that huge caterpillar that fell from the zipper of the tent. playing "whos in my mouth". the man that had the fish bite his nipple. the leech on garrett's foot. the visiting center when they had that presentation on astronomy and looking into telescopes. the supermarket where we put 25 cents into the box and took 3 pieces of candy... and then a little more. eating ramen and baked sweet potato the last night. hayley and liza trying to dread lock their hair. wasp traps. square pizza slices. the steak out. the electric fetus. the porcupine that followed me Hollie and Jarret while we were on the copper falls trail. soooo many things. i remember most of it, and its bittersweet. it makes me cry and laugh at the same time. it made me realize that i shouldn't take things for granted and that i shouldn't assume things. i need to take the time out to reach out to people that i care about in the moment. i won't put things off that way i did before. im trying not to be sad, but to be happy because i got to know peter. everything little thing matters. if things didn't happen the way they did, i wouldn't be the same person. i know ive gone off into tangents but i can't really stay focused on that too long because id get upset again.

my friend i lived with in wisconsin like 2 summers ago was in town today with her bf. we walked around... actually we walked from like 72 to st. marks place. it was really nice though. then it turned out her friend was nearby and we all met up and went to this hookah bar. pineapple. yum.
i just got back home. gotta packing cuz im leaving town til thurs.
I'd say this is the nice start to vacation week.
definitely missed the supposed spank rock show on the 18th. missed the cool kids on the 4th. i think i missed santogold and gnarls barkley. honestly, right now i couldn't care less. i feel so relaxed. im gonna head over to my bed and pass out now.

why not.

agh! today was okay until about 6. Then things got annoying. So today was pretty nice outside. like 78 degrees! I was hangin out with my friend and i got some nice shades. then i went to choir. so far, everythins gravy. then i go off to work. I was sitting there trying SO hard not to fall asleep, but i had gotten to the point where i had no control over my body. i couldn't see right, but i had to seem peppy cuz i was greeting people and what not... doing coat check. so then after the show i get the usual annoying people but then some random guy asks me if theres an elevator. so i tell him its across the hall. he responds "This place is horrible". lol i didn't know what to say. he kept on. he said he hates this place. he hated the show. I asked what happened and he continued his hate list. he hates the stairs he hates the people there. so i asked if he meant the staff and he COMPLETELY ignored me and started walking up the stairs. so okay i laughed a little at that one. i didn't see that coming. then i get back a hearing device...and it's wet. great.
then i get to the train station after fighting the mob tourists exploring on a thursday night. okay. all of the metrocard things say no bills accepted except one and of course im 1 quarter short, so i wait on the line. whe i get my card it says no recipts available and when i swipe it says theres only 5 cents left on my card even though i JUST put 4 dollars on. the ticketbooth lady doesn't give 2 shits. okay whatever. then i get on the train and next thing i know we're sitting in between stations for like half an hour. talkin about some stalled work train on 110th. im there standing up by the door, dying. and ill stop there cuz im tired of typing and i have an essay, a project, and some hw to do for tomorrow. i decided im going to make an effort to do my homework. what great timing...

alright! 20th post!

wow im pretty pathetic. ive had this for HOW many months, and im only up to 20? god. well some stuff has happened but im too lazy. i turned 18 finally, but so what. im waiting for 21. lol well... um anyway, i saw NANA the other day and it was good JUST BECAUSE it was Nana. It was nothing like the manga or anime and the music was all different. i was pretty disappointed. i got into ROUND Table feat. Nino. I love their stuff. I'm still looking for Message and In April, so if anyone out there has it and can send it to me, I'll be super happy and grateful! =] i have let me be with you, birthday, beautiful, and groovin magic if anyone's interested. i missed the cool kids in nyc last sunday. my friend wasn't old enough to get in so we didn't go, but while down there she saw them walk out and everything. but of course no one TALKS to these people but me i guess. lol i can't think of much else... oh yeah. my bitch ass father decided to get in touch with me for my birthday, but im not feelin that. oh and im working again. man im exhausted... its always something, huh. oh and today was celebrity day at my school (of course we have these stupid days. we're seniors and its a performing arts school. its a fact of life) anyway so i was steve-o cuz my friend was johnny knoxville and i was talking like him a little, but it hurt like crazy. so now my throat is really sore. great! :)
ending on a happy note:

tee hee